Ryan-M-Prower

So I'm almost done with AIT. I've been working on my stories, and I have to say; I don't know what happened but I think I finally got some of the things I've been trying to express down. 
Apart from that, I'm posting stories that have disappeared while my time here on deviantart. I found a stash of Taismo stories in an old HDD and I said," Fuck it, they must be shared to the world, to never be forgotten."
So yeah, Some of the stuff I'm posting isn't mine, I even put it on the description. 
As for how it's been? Well, to make the story short. I wanted to have a job where I would be tired in the end of the day so that I wouldn't overthink and depress myself. Well the military does a fine ass job of doing that. I've met a lot fo great people here, but at the same time I just kind of wish it would be different
I'll be on more, if anyone out there cares. But yeah, this is just a quick update 

Im leaving today for basic training, it was fun being around here though it was pretty quiet at the end. I wish everyone the best of luck and I hope to see you again. I'm posting the last chapter of "how trhings were" today. until who knows when ill post again. peace guys
-Ryan M Prower

well hello there, just wanted to say that many things have gone to a halt because of school work. Also posting this just to say that Project Avenger, since i did not know the Avenger was a thing at the time, have rewrote it and renamed it to Project Vengeance. Project Avenger is now considered scrapped an nulled (I mean, cmon, look at it, it's got some major work to be done) 

I am working on the stories at the moment. Not a lot of critisizsing so I'm not sure what i'm doing right and what im doing wrong. I'm unsure but I will still try to keep the flow of writing. 

I've been in depression for three years. Actually, when I found this site, I was a about a month into it. I Know that everyone has it, I know that everyone goes through it and such and that's why I feel so stupid about it. I feel stupid for being depressed from these things, it's idiocy to it's prime. Yet, as I tell myself this, I just can't do it. I can't get over it, after time and time again of trying to face it. I came from a town that had gangs and many shootings, I can admit though that it was way better than Chicago, that's for sure. But then something happened there and I moved to where I live now. I was only in first grade when I was there, but my memory is both a cherish and a curse. I remember things as far back as from when I was three, and what happened I still can't believe myself today, I lost the only true friend I ever had. When I came to where I am now, I got comfortable and became fatter and overall soft. As time went by, I started to notice the faces people looked at me with. They were smirking at me, trying to make fun of me; they looked at me in disgust when I started to become higher in the academic ladder. They despised me of being in the same classes as them and one day i knew why: they expected me to fail, to be like the rest of my friends and just become one of the lowest, they already expected that and we were barely in elementary. Hate starts young. So, I fought back, not like before, no, physically I had nothing anymore, but in my head, I stressed myself to become the best. But, like they said I would, I failed at beating them. I kept trying and only concentrating on academics, family, friends, and motivation wasn't a problem for me. I thought nothing could stop me, I even forgot about my past, but then I felt a strong feeling for someone, the strongest emotion I have ever felt and longed for but never received, love. I loved somebody and that was what I strive for. Two years, and on the last week of April, she broke me. She knew I had these feelings for her, and she toyed with me and broke my heart. That wasn't the problem, I could still get back up, I knew I could like all the other times i liked someone, but for some reason, I just couldn't. Another stupid things that made me fall, was the ending to Sonic X, that is why I have such a strong... compassion for Taismo. But that wasn't it either. I still had religion, family, and friends. Longs story short on the family, I was accused and threatened me of something so they could help themselves with money but it backfired, they were head to me. So then all I had were parents, religion, and friends. After a while of being in this unknown feeling, my friends stopped hanging out with me. They said I wasn't the same, they never came to visit me that summer, the summer I needed someone, anyone the most. I also appreciate my parents trying to help, only for them to lose their patience on me and feeling like an outcast and a worthless piece of shit in the end, I still appreciate them for trying. All I had was religion, and I prayed for an answer until one day i snapped and convinced myself that there was no god that was coming to save me or answer my questions. I stayed true from when I was young, now that small thing I had left, how I looked at the world was gone, I had nothing.; I had nothing to do to occupy my time, I had no one to talk to, I had no god to look for. That summer, I stayed in my room for a month, not getting off my bed and rotting from the smell of myself and the smell of my dog's shit outside my window. All I could do, was think; and I did. I thought myself to insanity, getting cabin fever and just becoming paranoid and hallucinated; I remembered my past, remembering how I lived back then and how things were and what happened. I can't say much of what happened after that, just that I got into running, making that another goal to become the best but only to fail and give up hope (but I still run today), MLP was also something that even today is something in my life, that is, people who make songs and other things and what not. It was the people who hated us that made me realize open mindedness, and somewhere my "friends" started to visit me again, but they admitted it was because they had nothing else to do and they just wanted to play my systems. And in school, I also fought again to prove them wrong, but now I had nothing, it seemed useless and pathetic. And these days? I don't know whether to give up and join the military or go to college. I have a brother now, and although I still get affection from my parents, I feel like I'm a bother and waste and the reason my brother is here now is because they gave up on me. That was one small false hope, I realize now, that i had that kept me going, I was the only son and I had to carry the honor of my parents and not make our name a disgrace; now I'm not. My friends who fell in depression with me when I got depressed, they had become what I yelled at them for. This is a whole other story why I did't give up, I had these people who looked up to me, even when I was the youngest of them, but acted as the toughest. I talked with them, I listened to them, I let them cry on my shoulder and made sure they didn't feel alone, we lost contact for various reasons during that summer and when I saw them again in the school year, I continued but luckily they didn't need me so much anymore, they were becoming better, they were getting out of depression. But they don't need me at all now. I wrote in a journal and keep my notes from homework just so my brother can at least have a guild for when I leave, in whatever way. These days, all I want is someone to love and receive the same back. For someone to be by my side and be faithful to me and I want to do the same back. My worst fear isn't dying, it isn't living on the streets, it isn't what will happen to me that may cause physical harm to me; what I fear is living long and alone. And what is the thing that I want the most? To live long and be loved. And although I haven't felt the same love for a girl as I did the first one, I still went for others that I liked, girls I became friends with and fell in love not only by how they looked, but also by how they were. I lost many good friends that now call me creepy, ignore me, or I don't want to talk to them (they laughed at me). I know it's all stupid, but to me, there's a big difference between knowing it and believing it. And I so wish I can believe it so I can get on with it.
But I'm proud to say that a made a foundation for my mentality and my emotions. I made myself a promise that I wouldn't kill myself, that would just be a waste. No, I plan to die saving someone who has the possibility of living my dream. Saving the people who have loved ones waiting for them. I want to die that way. But I'm also here because of two things that I've read before. "He should have known that living miserable is only borderline better than killing yourself," and," Who would hurt more, the people who left or the people who got left behind?" I don't care what happens to me, I'm depressed, I do everything on automatic. I've been coming to realize more and more yet I still have these feelings of my heart stinging, whenever I think about the people I like. Stupidly, right now I yearned for someone when I gave myself the illusion that I was in the story (2nd person writings by Whirring Gears) and making myself think the eyes of love from a picture I saw were directed at me. Of course, facing reality is what I make people do, and I try as much as possible to reinforce it into myself since I have no one to help me do it.
"Someone hold me and tell me everything is alright, tell me you love me."
It's disgusting and pathetic.